Prison is a Teacher

INTRODUCTION

To learn is to live. No matter the situation I’m sure there is something worth learning. A lot of that depends on how you take in and process the information in front of you. I now tell myself that I am a THINKER. To me that means that I can solve problems, divert aggression, and think positively about my future. I was known as a man of action. 90% of those actions were uncalled for and in a way embarrassing. It is crazy the things we will allow to define what and who we are.

MIND GAMES

They told me I would end up here. “You going to be just like your no-good daddy”. They told me that if I did not change that I would one day wish that I did. Made me feel like I was the bad guy. I am just playing the cards that I was dealt. They talk so bad about me, like they had no part in the way I came up. As if I made this life for myself by myself. Friends and family tend to give you the cracked lens view of the world. Then they ask if they could borrow money, money from this life you want me out of. Said I would be considered lucky to make it here instead of a hole in the ground. Come to find out I am double lucky. Looks like they were right again. Not because they had my best interest at heart, but because this is the life of a drug dealer. You either get strung out or strung up out in these streets. Still in that frame of mind and I am nowhere near a street, and it is going to be just a little while till that changes. Now it’s time to make sure I make it out of here alive. Last time I went in with something to prove, this time I just want to prove I can get out and stay out.

Growing up I heard who I was from my family, the people in and around my life, and the music that I listened to. I was forced to become something I thought I had no other choice in. I had to be tough. I had to have money. Most of all I had to gain respect. There are not many ways to do this without breaking the law. Why do I have to be this? Come to find out I had CHOICES. Wish I would have seen and understood what they were.

THE PLAN

The plan is really simple, keep my eyes low, mouth shut, and my mind on my own business. Last time I made friends, it cost me dearly. On my last bid I fought a guy because he did not like the way I talked. My voice, he was mad at me because of my voice. I think I have a very nice speaking voice. The thing is, he made it known and I had to do something.

I decided to fix it so that he could not talk at all. It was mission impossible, but I did stomp him out for running his mouth. This was not because I really wanted to. I had no other choice. That is according to the convict code. If I do not do anything it is an open door for anyone to treat me anyway they wish. I think you get the point. I had no intention of being anybody’s “girlfriend”. If he would have just kept it to himself it would have been fine. Instead he thought he would try to punk me on the yard.

THE HUSTLE

I met this older guy today. He had three letters from his people, and he could not read them. He told me that he had been carrying them around for months, but could not ask for help because of his perceived rep. I had no clue that he had been watching me write poetry on toilet paper (it is hard to get paper when you have no money). My heart went out and soon I was writing letters home for him. This is how it started. When I got moved it just so happened that he was moved to the same yard and building as me. From that day on I was know as the guy with the words. It gave me an outlet and even kept me out of the way for most of the normal prison conflicts.

When I say normal, I use the term lightly. In prison anything is worth a fight. Not taking a shower, taking to long in the shower, even not taking your shower at the right time. The convict code is the law of the land. This code is hard to learn and even harder to live by at times.

A few weeks ago, a guy got jumped for being to loud after lights out. The problem was not that he was talking, because 85% of prison talking is done at night. The code he broke was that he was to new in the pod. He had been locked up for years but came to this yard about 6 months ago. He was trying to make a deal for some crack. And when they opened the cells the next morning that’s what he got, CRACKED upside the head. Them boys put a hurting on him, and then walked away leaving him bloody and beat down on the floor. If you are wondering, yes, we all saw it, and no one said anything. And no, they never got in any trouble for it. I never saw or heard of him after that day. Breaking the code can be very costly when you are behind bars.

One day this guy decided that I was messing up his money. He wrote letters but was not a poet. A plus for me was that he had very nice penmanship, which I do not. My deal to him was that we work together more. I offered to help him with his poetry if he would help by writing the poems I wrote for others. That may seem soft, but I think it is stupid to fight over writing letters and poetry. Plus, in the long run this deal allowed me to raise my prices. You know what that means. I went from one set-up every two weeks, to a set-up whenever I wanted one (a set-up is food made in prison, consisting of noodles, and whatever you have, to add in).

MIND CHECK

I’m going crazy. So much drama in this place. Grown men acting like kids. Yesterday a guy got shanked over a pack of noodles. I have a few people that I can talk to, but you can’t tell them too much. A little over 7 months to go. I can do it.

GOING HOME SOON

I got moved today. Since I am a drug addict, they are sending me to prison drug treatment. The good thing is that I only have 6 months left to do. As far as going to drug counselors, I just hope it is safer there. Safer means that I will be able to write more. it could also mean that I could get some sleep a few nights a week. I need time to think. I really want to create a book of poetry and short stories. Just a goal I gave myself. Not sure how that will turn out either.

WILL I STAY OUT THIS TIME?

I don’t know. I don’t have a clue to be honest. Last time I said it was the last time. That did not turn out so well. I am going to try. Try much harder than I did the last time I got out. I must take this matter into my own hands. No one wants me to succeed as much as I want to. Yes, I do have something to prove. They said that this would be my life. I say that this is only a part of my life.  As they say only time will tell.

FREE AGAIN

I hope you going to change. Are you going to do something with your life? Do you want to be a failure for the rest of your life? How long till you go back to prison? I told you that’s where you would end up. I know you not done yet. You mess up this time and I’m through with you. All of these thoughts are running through my mind and I wish that they would just leave me in peace.

I made choices in my past to make life worth living. I did what I felt in my heart I had to if I wanted to survive. That is still my plan. This time I want it to be on the correct side of the law. Same plan just different motives.

I got out about 3 weeks ago. So far, I have a job and my probation anklet. Living with my aunt is not what I thought I would be doing when I got out, but here I am. I was only gone for 2 years, but the world has changed. I am glad that it did not take long to get a job. Seems the prison system can send you back if you do not find one.

So much going through my mind and I really am not sure which way is up. I must dig down into who I am so that I can become who I am supposed to be.

PRISON IS A TEACHER

We will get to talk about prison and jail all you want. I have been locked up a few times. The last time I went I began to change. That does not mean I was out of the box new. It means that if given the chance I may be able to make a good decision.

Prison is a terrible, nasty, violence infested place. It is the playground of monsters of all sorts. Prison is also a teacher, that is if you really to change your life.

I learned 5 things about myself. 5 things that prison taught me. Maybe I could have or should have learned them somewhere else. The point is I learned them, and not only did they keep me safe, but it gave me growth as a person. taught me things that no one could. I had to see me in order to understand me.

1. I am somebody.

For so long I lived thinking I was only worthy if I had what the people around me needed. Me life was only meaningful if I could fix all the problems for my family and friends. This is not true. I am a person and I do want to help, but I first need to learn how to help myself. My past is my past I did those things, but today I can look at myself knowing that I am a man and that my life does have worth. I am somebody. That is a fact no matter what anyone says about me or to me. I will treat others that way, but most importantly I will keep that in my heart.

• I can stay out of trouble.

For two years I stayed out of trouble in prison. If I can do it here, I should be able to do it on the outside. How did I do it here. Easy, I followed the rules. When I get out, I should be able to do the same thing. That does mean I plan to get a legal job since drug dealing is not looked on as honorable.

• My life has meaning.

I was put on this earth for a reason and I am sure it was not to help in the destruction of this country. I will live upright and pray that the meaning becomes clearer. I do know that my path is not to be in the streets tearing up our communities and breaking families up with selling drugs. So many deaths each day and I am still here. If that don’t tell me what will?

• I can make better choices.

It is no longer something I need to learn to do, I know that I can. Even here I have been making choices to better serve me when I get out. I use to make excuses, or allow my temper to get me out of things that just might improve my life. Now I will be able to see tings much clearer. The choice is mine to make.

• I can count to ten.

I do not have to let my temper get the best of me. just because someone does not agree with me we do not have to fight. My temper is my problem, and I must learn how to deal with it. counting to ten is something to help. I look at what is bothering me and count it out.

AFTER THOUGHTS

The name of the program is Horizon, there will be more on this in later blogs. This was such a help to me. I knew going in that something had to change. I just did not know how. I still do not have all the answers, but this is a much better start than I had before. I allowed myself to think about me as a person and the things that my actions said I stood for. Money was the root to all things, and I was willing to do anything to get it. now I know that I need it, but if I can not get it in a legal manner then I will not have it.

Learning about myself showed me that I am not the sum of my mistakes. I am who I am. I did what I did. Since I am still alive, I have a chance to impress myself with my actions. I have a chance to see if what I learned will keep me on the right track.

Not anymore. Now all I want to do is please God. Life is not about me, but about what I can do to give God the glory of my life. I got out of prison in 2007 and to this date I have not been back.

Servant to the King of kings,

NL ROSS